Random quotes lying around... If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it moves, it's biology. If it doesn't work, It's computer science. Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. "Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." -- J. Finnegan, USC. Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels. There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." A radioactive cat has 18 half-lives. Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. Frisbeetarianism, The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck. "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. God is real, unless declared integer. There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em. (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink! -W. C. Fields A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world. Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? > Oh most awesome Oracle, > > What shall we do with a drunken sailor? > What shall we do with a drunken sailor? > What shall we do with a drunked sailor, > Early in the morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keep him away from the oil tanker, } Don't let him near the oil tanker } Don't let him steer the oil tanker } Early in the morning! Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two percent of zero is almost nothing. Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. Zenophobia - the irrational fear of convergent sequences. From the Larry King show: A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. TAKE AMERICA BACK! We want a refund! Pass the Word. Eat a Bible. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig Ray's rule of Precision Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with an axe. Spellbound I have a spelling checker It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it I'm sure your pleased too no. It's letter perfect in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. -- Pennye Harper THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions -Henry N. Camp Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. BLUE GUY: Could you possibly bring me a tuna sandwich *without* dropping it? GROVER : Sir, where there is life, there is hope. LITTLE GIRL: But which cookie will you eat FIRST? C. MONSTER : Me think you have misconception of cookie-eating process. For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada." Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. --Sandra Gottlieb, Wife of the Canadian Ambassador to the U.S.A. Beat the unbeatable, Surmount the insurmountable, Scroot the inscrutable, and Eff the ineffable! More insomniacs get their news from "News Now" than from any other source. - CBS promo Regarding their 4am CBS news program A host is a host from coast to coast And no one will talk to a host that's close, Unless the host (that isn't close) Is busy, hung or dead. Someone with Attention Deficit Disorder edited this film! - MST3K Once you're a pickle you can never be a cucumber again. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Berlioz Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." It is by will alone that I set my mind in motion. -- Dune, by Frank Herbert Say it with flowers. Give 'em a triffid. If this sticker looks blue, you're driving too fast. Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. -- "Reaper Man", Terry Pratchett A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age -- Robert Frost When done right it is only about 15 lines of code, if you type big. -- Danny Padwa