X vs. Y
 Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.xbooks
 From: dhenry@plains.NoDak.edu (David R. Henry)
 Subject: X vs. Y
 
 Graeme writes:
 
 >Anyways, I think that Xbooks is a responsible enough group full of kind
 >and loving enough people (except for Vod and Nyx, of course) that this
 >thread won't degenerate.  It's healthy to discuss these topice, and helps
 >us all get to know one anohter better.  So until I start seeing a repeat
 >of "X vs. X" in this thread, I don't think it'll be necessary to abort.
 
 Spider-Man could beat Jesus! I haven't read all of Jesus' appearances,
 but I think I can state from what I've read of them from Jesus collectors
 here on the newsgroup that this thing would be possible.
 
 First off, all of the old Jesus writers really didn't know his character.
 That's because they're not writing him today. Jesus has never shown the
 ability to resist a punch capable of shattering steel in his face! You'd
 think that if the Jesus writers wanted him to be able to survive such
 a punch, they'd have put him in a situation where they could show that.
 
 So I don't go by the old Jesus appearances. But let's not argue back
 issues, because I don't have any. Let's just consider Spider-Man:
 
 1. Spider-Man has reflexes much faster than any human. Jesus is supposed
 to be a god, yes, but he's also, more importantly, a man. And Spider-Man
 is faster than a lot of gods, anyway, as shown by his defeat of Firelord
 and Thanos. Spider-Man could react really quickly to anything Jesus
 would like to do.
 
 2. Spider-Man has his spider-sense, which will allow him the ability to
 react to Jesus before Jesus can even throw a punch! This, combined with
 his speed, makes Spider-Man easily capable of beating Jesus.
 
 3. Spider-Man's web-shooters. I'd like to see Jesus multiply fish by
 magic when he's trying to concentrate with a big glob of webbing in
 his face! Especially when Spider-Man starts whipping him around with
 his super-strength, I don't think Jesus will be able to do much about
 that.
 
 The way I see it, though, it could be an even match if they fought
 outside a city or someplace. I mean, Spider-Man needs buildings
 to swing on, and big trees aren't all that useful, since Jesus could
 just curse them and make them wither away. And out on a lake Jesus
 would win, since he could walk out over the water where Spider-Man
 couldn't reach him! Well, except for his web-shooters, but I don't
 know if I'm allowed to actually combine arguments into a coherent
 whole. Hmm. This is a puzzler, no doubt!
 
 And anyway, Jesus knows a lot more about surviving in the desert
 than Spider-Man. Spider-Man could hide in a basement, however, until
 the sandstorms pass, and then he could use his spider-sense to find
 Jesus and pound his face in. Perhaps if Jesus snuck up on Spider-Man
 in the basement with a crowbar, though, Jesus could take him out. After
 all, Aunt May once did that, and that was because Spider-Man's spider-
 sense didn't recognize her as a threat! And if there's one thing Jesus
 ain't to Spider-Man, it's a threat! Well, it could work, but that was
 actually written by an older writer, so maybe he didn't know anything,
 anyway. If lead pipes were supposed to exist in Spider-Man comics,
 you'd think the writers would show them occasionally, but since they
 don't, it's obvious that crowbars aren't supposed to exist in Spider-Man
 comics.
 
 Really, most of Jesus' powers are really lame. I mean, he could make
 Spider-Man drunk before the battle by changing all the water in his
 building to wine, and his ability to cast out demons is pretty cool
 (Jesus vs. Ghost Rider would be an awesomely kool match!), but Spider-Man
 is fast, and, you see, that means he's basically fast, which means
 he will win, because that's the way the writers have it nowadays.
 
 Little did you know that you would ask that question and I would have such a
 great answer!
                 --Rob Liefeld